CHURCH BLOOPERS

1) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
2) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
3) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
4) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
5) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
6) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
7) Ushers will eat latecomers.
8) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment
.
9) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
11) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
12) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
13) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It’s a Terrible Experience."
14) Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Source: Internet

UNFAIR TO LAWYERS

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide

which party has the best lawyer.

Husbands Faults

Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.

Husband: "This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem. I’ll get you some that is."

You really have to feel sorry for husbands.
They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.